Illuminating the Distortions We’ve Created and Believe to be Truth

I don’t know who else does this, but when I lay down at night to go to sleep, I immediately start working through my day, grading myself on how I handled things. While there are obviously highs and lows of every day, it often feels like the lows weigh more and the highs are much more light. And here lies the issue: my memories start to become distorted. It’s like the magnifying glass is shining in on all of the moments I would like to do over and making those moments that were awesome almost seem like they didn’t exist.

This happened often when my kids were young. I would reflect on my level of patience, calmness, creativeness, flexibility, understanding, how well I listened, consistency, empathy, how much I showed them I loved them and cared about what they were doing, and the list goes on. Then I would give myself a grade. On those days that were especially rough, my report card definitely looked like I was failing the Parenting 101 Class!

While there were moments in every day that I wished I could do over, whenever I think of the highs and lows of parenting, I particularly think of this one moment where, if a top performer award was given out for over reacting I know I would win it. There was this day where the two oldest were busy building with legos in their room with the door partially shut. The baby was sleeping and the one year old went toddling in to see what they were doing. Of course (because she was a toddler) she fell and knocked down what they were doing. This upset them quite a bit and so they screamed at her and pushed her, she fell down, got hurt and cried.

I’d love to tell you that I came in to the room, calmly asked them what happened, offered up a solution to the issue and that was the end of it. But the only part that is true about that statement is that I came into the room. Actually, that isn’t even true because what I did is best described as storming!

So I stormed in. I guess you might say that I tried to figure out what happened but there was nothing calm about it. It was more like, “what happened” in a very loud and angry voice. I remember feeling frustrated because they were shutting her out and at one year old she couldn’t understand that and really just wanted to be where they were.

I yelled without listening to their side of the story. Then I made them put the legos away since they weren’t going to share. They were so upset and crying. Not a great moment in our house.

Later, when things did finally calm down, I figured out that they were shutting her out because they didn’t want her to break their structure and wanted to enjoy some “big kid” play. I did have the opportunity to apologize to them and to help them find a solution. But that night…

I went over and over the moment in my head. I said I didn’t know how to be calm when my kids needed me. I said I was no good at listening to their side. I thought about how horrible my patience was. And I said I was a terrible parent. By the end, that memory turned out to be me looking 10 times larger than I was as I loomed over those little kiddos, yelling 20 times louder than I did, and I think I actually resembled an ogre.

I recognize that as parents we have moments every day that we wish we could rewind and redo. BUT we have to stop distorting them in our minds. We are only human and are going to make mistakes.

Eventually, I realized that if I was talking with a friend about something they didn’t feel they handled well, what would I say to them? What would I do? Of course I wouldn’t call them no good, terrible, or horrible. I would pray with them to help them see the day clearly (illuminating those distortions) and to give themselves grace, just as God gives us each day. And so I learned to do this for myself as well.

If you are experiencing times where you are distorting the reality of your parenting, please let me start by saying you are doing fine and you will get through these tough times. Next, please allow me to pray for you:

Dear God, please help this exhausted parent find peace with the daily decisions they are making. We know this is a tough job and rough days make it even tougher. Give them grace for the mistakes they make, both big and little. Help them start each day with fresh eyes and a new perspective. And if they reach a moment where they need to take a brief break, help them have the knowledge and ability to do this to give them a quick restart. Finally help them to feel a sense of peace at the end of the day and to know that tomorrow is a new day with all new possibilities.

If you would like me to pray for you and help you illuminate your current distortion so that you can see the AMAZING parent you are, please reach out to me and let me know.

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Also be on the look out for my next blog where I will talk about moments during bedtime.

Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels